If memory serves, and it does less and less these days, it was 1978. Boston. We were in the basement of the Unitarian Universalist Church on Boylston Street. It was the Thanksgiving Dinner for the Boston Chapter of the Daughters of Bilitis, the first lesbian civil and political organization founded in 1955 by eight women in four couples, including Del Martin and Phyllis Lyons.
We had reached out to Sheri Barden and Lois Johnson, the founders of the Boston Chapter, for legal help with our child custody case - the first in Bristol County, MA. They, in turn, had invited us to several small gatherings in their five-story brownstone walkup in the South End. But this - this was our first EVENT. We were about to be in one room with more lesbians than we thought existed in the whole world.
For two Roman Catholic, fairly sheltered young women from the mill towns of Fall River-New Bedford who had no idea but were just finding out what our love for each other had gotten us into, the idea was daunting.
We had come down from Portland, ME where we were living to help set up the room and transform it from a dingy church basement to a welcoming space for women who would not be able to celebrate the holiday with their families or children. Neither would we, which was part of the glue which held us all together.
There were only about half a dozen women who had arrived and most of them were in the kitchen, tending to the turkeys in the oven and hovering over all of “the sides”. Sheri asked if we would help Martha set up tables and chairs. Young and strong and looking for a place to put all our anxious energy, that seemed a good thing to do.
That’s when I saw her. I pegged her immediately as either a teacher or a librarian. Long, pleated wool skirt and wool jacket with patches on the sleeves. White blouse with Peter Pan collar. Knee socks and penny loafers. Straight hair, parted on the side and held with a barrette. Glasses. Horn-rimmed. Teacher or librarian, for sure.
Except, when she went to move a large, oblong table, I almost gasped at the ease with which she lifted it and carried it across the room to place it in the center of the room. She just hoisted that sucker up like it was made of paper. And, all by herself, she steadied it, unfolded the legs, then flipped it over, standing back for a moment to check her work and the position of what was obviously “the serving table”.
Then, she walked - sort of a half-march, with deliberate energy - over to get another table. There was something about her “energy”. I was drawn to it and confused by it at the same time.
Sheri came out of the kitchen, came over to me, and said, “Ah, I see you’ve found Martha.” “That’s Martha?” I asked, maybe just a little too loudly. If Martha heard, and I’m sure she did, it didn’t distract her from her task.
Sheri (Claire) Barden and Lois Johnson
”Yes, my love, that’s Martha. She’s transgender.” “She’s WHAT?” I said, this time more softly. Sheri smiled, “Trans. Gender. You know, like Christine Jorgensen.” “Really?” I said, sounding like a 6th grader at the museum, discovering a new creature I didn’t know existed, except in science books.
”Yes,” laughter Sheri, “We have them here, too. Queer people are everywhere.” I cringed. I mean, it was 1978. I was just getting used to the word ‘lesbian’. “Queer” was still a derogatory term - like the ‘N’ word for a person of color.
”Martha used to be a scientist at MIT. She’s brilliant. Really brilliant. A leader in her field of study. She had her surgery a year or so ago. She decided that since she was no longer he, she would no longer work as a scientist because there were no women scientists in her department. So, she became a secretary. She wanted to stand in solidarity with most of the other women at MIT and take on the same role they did. MIT objected but finally gave her a “transitional” position in the secretarial pool.”
”But wait,” I said. She used to be a man, but now she’s a woman. What is she doing in a lesbian organization? I mean, if she’s now a woman, shouldn’t she be heterosexual?”
I’m sure Sheri wanted to laugh, but she didn’t. “Honey,” she said, “first thing you have to understand is that Martha has ALWAYS been a woman. She was assigned a gender at birth and tried to live into that identity but she realized it was making her sick. So, she got help and now she is who she has always been - the way God made her and not what her parents wanted.”
”Okay,” I said. “I got that part. But, she’s a lesbian . . . .?
Now Sheri chuckled, “Yes. Because gender and sexuality are two different things.”
I repeated it out loud. “Gender and sexuality are two different things. Of course they are. I’ve just never thought about it before. Whoa,” I said, “I’ve got so much to learn.”
”We all do,” Sheri said, “Not every woman here understands Martha either. So, you go over and let Martha know that she is welcome here. And, while you’re at it, get some tables set up. We’ve got about 100 women who’ll be here in about 30 minutes.”
I tell you this story to say that there is a part of me that understands the confusion and anxiety some people feel about transgender people. I’d be lying if I said that I just simply added the “T” to the Alphabet of LGBT, stirred lightly and then drank the Queer Kool-Aid.
Human beings are complex creatures and Nature is a lot more random than we were first taught. There is a delicate interplay of genetics and body chemistry, combined with emotion and physicality, which are influenced by family and culture and religion, which all lead to an individual’s perception and understanding of themselves. Or, confusion about who they know themselves to be.
I understand the confusion. I don’t understand the cruelty.
I live in Delaware. We just elected the first transgender person to Congress, Representative Sarah McBride. Sarah is smart and gentle and kind and dedicated to and laser-focused on serving her constituents. She served first in the State House of Representatives and now serves in in Washington, DC.
She has not been treated well in the Lower Chamber of the Federal government. She hadn’t even been sworn in when Republican Nancy Mace, a Representative from South Carolina with a real hunger for the spotlight, introduced legislation that would bar transgender women from using women’s restrooms and other facilities on federal property. The GOP majority proved just how low the Lower Chamber can get and passed that legislation.
What is it with the MAGA-Republicans and their fascination with genitals? I don’t get it. I mean, it’s just pee!
Well, it gets worse. Last month, Rep. Mary Miller, referred to McBride as "the gentleman from Delaware, Mr. McBride," when recognizing the lawmaker for a floor speech last month. Last week, the Rep. Keith Self, R-Texas, introduced her as “Mr. McBride.” Sarah, always classy, gently said, “Thank you, Madame Chair.”
"I mean, he is allowed to live his life — in fact, I spent 25 years on active duty defending his right to live his life as he chooses. But I don't have to participate in his fantasy," Self said.
Rep Sarah McBride and Rep. Keith self
I think the only “fantasy” is the one in Self’s head. He needs to put down whatever magazines he’s reading and spend some time reading the reports of scientists and t doctors who have been studying gender for decades.
Ah, but wait. There’s more. Right here in the land of “Delaware Nice.”
A Delaware lawyer and a state lawmaker have filed a federal complaint that seeks to have the state prevent transgender girls from playing on girls’ middle and high school sports teams.
Yet in Delaware, where students are permitted to play on school teams that match their gender identity, there are no known transgender athletes to ban. Nor have there been in recent years, if ever, state officials said.
That reality, however, hasn’t stopped attorney Thomas S. Neuberger and Sussex County Republican Sen. Bryant Richardson, who have long sought to keep transgender girls off girls’ track, swimming, volleyball, and other teams.
Should the state “illegally refuse” to comply, Neuberger and Richardson want the Trump administration to issue an order “terminating all federal educational funding” to Delaware.
Forfeiting those federal dollars would be a major blow to Delaware. Currently, the state gets about $336 million annually — about 10% of the total cost to run Delaware K-12 public schools — from the feds.
And, what does our Governor, Matt Meyer, a Democrat, have to say about this? His spokesman, Nick Merlino, reported this, “Gov. Meyer doesn’t believe that trans girls should be playing in girls’ sports, but ultimately he defers those decisions to the leagues and localities.”
That’s NOT what Matt Meyer said when he was seeking our endorsement. He said he was supportive of Gender Identity and Affirming Medical Treatment Decisions.
During the campaign, Candidate Matt Meyer repeatedly said, “Every Delawarean deserves the freedom to be healthy, prosperous, and safe,” adding “One of the greatest dangers to our youth today is that they too often are taught not to love their true selves.” He also promised to “promote and support a culture of inclusivity and fairness in our schools.”
Yes, Governor Meyer will be hearing from this constituent who voted for him.
In contrast, here’s what Spenser Cox, the (Republican) governor of Utah (yes, you read that right. Republican. From Utah) wrote:
Gov. Spenser Cox (R) Utah
Finally, there is one more important reason for this veto. I must admit, I am not an expert on transgenderism. I struggle to understand so much of it and the science is conflicting. When in doubt however, I always try to err on the side of kindness, mercy, and compassion. I also try to get proximate and I am learning so much from our transgender community. They are great kids who face enormous struggles. Here are the numbers that have most impacted my decision: 75,000, 4, 1, 86 and 56.
75,000 high school kids participating in high school sports in Utah.
4 transgender kids playing high school sports in Utah.
1 transgender student playing girls sports.
86% of trans youth reporting suicidality.
56% of trans youth having attempted suicide.
Four kids and only one of them playing girls’ sports. That’s what all of this is about. Four kids who aren’t dominating or winning trophies or taking scholarships. Four kids who are just trying to find some friends and feel like they are a part of something. Four kids trying to get through each day. Rarely has so much fear and anger been directed at so few. I don’t understand what they are going through or why they feel the way they do. But I want them to live. And all the research shows that even a little acceptance and connection can reduce suicidality significantly. For that reason, as much as any other, I have taken this action in the hope that we can continue to work together and find a better way. If a veto override occurs, I hope we can work to find ways to show these four kids that we love them and they have a place in our state.
He vetoed the anti-trans bill.
I understand how transgender can be confusing. I don’t understand the cruelty. I have some ideas about the ferocious rise of testosterone - which affects men and women - as well as the rise of racism and misogyny which prevented otherwise intelligent people from voting for a Black woman for POTUS. I think what we’re seeing with transpeople - especially transwomen - is all part of the MachoMale culture that is all part of the new administration.
The MAGA folk seem to be boxing with Transgender shadows, against an evil that is a projection of their own insecurities about gender and sexuality.
I am certainly more than willing to give people the same space to learn and grow as I was afforded, but you’re not allowed to be mean and cruel just because you don’t understand and have a hard time accepting. And, don’t hold an entire state program financially hostage because they are not bending to your perspective.
I am asking for my governor and other elected representatives in government to take a lesson from the Governor of Utah, When in doubt, however, . . . always try to err on the side of kindness, mercy, and compassion.”
That’s some pretty good advice, right there. It’s one I learned in a church basement in Boston MA in 1978 when I was anxious and afraid and in doubt about my own gender and sexuality.
Thanks to a transwoman named Martha who helped to teach this woman how to be a good person.
They focus on this cruelty as Ukrainians and Gazans die every day. Cruelty is their battle cry. Thanks for telling us about Meyer. Another bigot dressed in democrat clothing.
Amen!!! We’re talking about life and death!!💖